How Do I Live After Loosing Dignity?

I Am A Blogger. I Am No Saint. 

I've recently lost my partner due to my own selfishness. If I had one vice it would be greed; They called me self-centered, uncaring and these words, they made me so angry i was furious at him i hated him for calling me these names, but truthfully it hurt because he was right and i knew it. i looked back on my life and winced. This revelation was deeply intruding on my own sense of self. Because if not caring and grateful, who am i? In that sense, i am not questioning all that i am, really I'm accepting it (but not quietly as I'm not happy about such a realization). Because how does one judge as such and then sleep soundly? And mind you since I've had awful nights' sleep; I've also been hitting the bottle often since.. numbing my regret but more times than not i end up wallowing, i feel i must rectify the evil I've been accustomed to feeling. But i cannot change in one night, not even in two. 

How Do I Live After Loosing The One I Love? 

I've begun walking in the mornings. I go to the park and lay on this large swing (like we once did), and I look up to the sky, i can do this for about an hour at a time. I take cigarettes and smoke them on the swing or while walking (counterintuitive it is to put that much pressure on my lungs). Basically I'm still living, if not more lively than i was as i don't simply lay in wait of a text message each morning. 

How Do I Reject Greed? 

Now this is a question, as i seek the answer to this day. I still find myself pining for his attention and doing what i can to receive even a morsel of it, really it's become pathetic! However I've accepted that he needs space and I'm committing to leaving him alone. But the fear he quietly leaves me forever eats away at the beck of my brain.

I'd love your recommendation for rejecting my own greed. 

How Do I Live After Loosing Dignity?

This is a question i asked first when i was in high-school, I'm now twenty-one. This beautifully painful question came from a predicament of mine, one where i lost my dignity for what would feel like forever. And until i lost it again would i realize that i always had it, dignity. It never leaves you, you will loose some but what is 'some' to a concept that is forever present? it is nothing. you will never loose dignity. But forever you will feel the pain of loss. We are loosing time, thoughts, dignity and comfort. But in the end, its all okay because this is an unending loop that will swallow everything eventually. 

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